Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My Apologies

Samuel Johnson said "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".  

Almost all the staff members I ever knew had good intentions.  Most of the parishioners too.  So did I.  The problem is, you can have all the good intentions in the world and still do bad things to people if what you believe in is not what was advertised.  I am sure that the priests of the Inquisition  thought they had good intentions when they burned the alleged heretics at the stake.  Scientologists justify their actions sometimes by saying "greatest good for the greatest number on dynamics". (A human's urge to survive by himself, sex and children, his groups, all mankind, etc) Basically, what is meant by this is what is the greatest good for Scientology because they believe that Scientology is the only way mankind will be able to survive on Earth.  At the time, I believed it too.

There were things that I did and cycles of action that I was involved in that, at the time I thought was doing the best for Scientology and mankind.  Now, those same actions fill me with guilt and shame.  I actually think that this, for me, is the definition of Karma.  That little thing called a conscience.  I know there are many ex-Scientologists that feel the same way.  For many of us, exposing the lies and crimes of Scientology is a way to make up for the damage that we perceive that we have done.

The following are some of the actions that I did or was involved in.  Sometimes I still feel like kicking my ass.

As the Public Executive Secretary (P.E.S. - Over the division responsible for getting new people into Scientology),of the Mission at Hesperia, California and the Organization at Las Vegas, Nevada, I personally sold over a thousand Dianetics books, and was responsible for getting others for selling even more, thus exposing thousands of people to Dianetics and Scientology for the first time.

Also, as the P.E.S., I personally signed hundreds of people to some kind of introductory service, (course, auditing or extension course).  When I didn't have someone at my desk to sign up, I was busy on the phone, trying to get new people in, or existing parishioners back in for further services as recovering people is under the Public Division.

There were more than a few occasions that I recovered or helped to recover staff members and got them back on staff, even to the point of signing them to new contracts.

As the P.E.S. and then as the Executive Director of the Las Vegas Organization, I was responsible for signing many new people on staff, including kids as young as 15, with parental consent.  Even "helping" some of them to decide to go into the Sea Organization.

Let me take a moment here to explain what parental consent is in Scientology.  When a teenager has been convinced to sign a staff or Sea Org contract, it is considered a done deal, whether the parents like it or not. Yes, legally, you need to have the parents signature on the contract if that teenager is under the age of 18 but, these parents are already Scientologists, so they are easily manipulated one way or another.  If the child is going to be a staff member there at the Org, it is pretty easy to convince the parents to sign.  You assure them that they will be able to continue their education and just work evenings and weekends until they have finished high school.  The odds are the kid will last only a short time on staff or will drop out of school to work full time at the org so they can get training and auditing for free.  If the child is being signed to the Sea Org, you may have to get heavy handed with the parents.  Again you assure them that the child will continue their education, even though you know that this is not true.  The only education they will receive is Scientology.  If the parents still balk, you bring in the point that this is for the greater good of the greatest number of dynamics.  And if the parents still resist, then you get a little mean, telling them that they are "ethics bait" and that they may be giving up their entire eternity by not allowing this to go through.  Most of the time this is effective as the parents know you have just threatened them with expulsion from the church.  99% of the time, they will sign.

After I was made the Executive Director, I appointed my best friend to the post of P.E.S. even though I knew he wasn't really up to the job.  He was totally overwhelmed and I had to continually step in and convince him, step-by-step, that he could do the job.  I was slowly bringing him along and he would have been good at it given enough time.  Not too long after this, every Org was ordered to send two people to Los Angeles for some special "secret" training.  Upper management had already decided who I was to send, it was just my job to convince them to go.  Well of course, he was one of them.  I didn't really want to do this, but I was under orders.  So I did.  Even though I know that he wasn't going to make it.  What I didn't know was that it would damn near destroy his mind.  I am so sorry for this.  I hope he rests in peace.  I was informed recently that he died of cancer several years ago.

For those of you who were on staff at the time, the above "secret training" was known as the Key to Life evolution.

The other person I sent was the Org's receptionist.  She was also my fiancee.  Shortly after she went to L.A. she joined the Sea Org.  I was not eligible for the Sea Org, so that was the end of that relationship.

I need to tell all of these people above that I am heartily sorry for these actions.  I really thought I was doing the right thing.

Thank you, my friends, for staying with me during this series.  Stay tuned, there is more to come.


  1. Wow! Sounds like you were totally programmed! I have learned that everyone does what they think is best at the time that they do it. Over time we all learn that what we thought was best, wasn't, but it is over and done. You can see that the choices you made before would not be the choices you would make now, that is a great step in your own evolution. Now you may want to work on forgiving yourself. You can't change the past. Decide what it is you want to create now, and do it. Use your knowledge and experience to become a better YOU which will make this a better world.

  2. Thanks Barbara. One of the reasons I am writing this series is in the process of forgiveness of self. Thank you for reading and commenting.